.... Cor Blimey! (Means Bl**dy 'el For Non Brits!)

What a week ahead of me.  I don't even know where to start except to say I'm feeling a touch overwhelmed!  And I'm always overwhelmed so you know it's serious!!!!!

Oddly enough my confidence took a massive leap forward and a huge hit in the same lesson - I'm such an oddball.  I'll tell you why - this is another big post but there's lots to cover today.

Yesterday was lesson day of course so I guess I'll start there and try to be concise.  It was incredibly fun as always, maybe even more so, I wish it didn't have to end!  We did some impro over those two chords I've been improvising over recently with some back and forth which was super fun, he showed me up totally as usual but I didn't feel completely lost which is actually a big step forward.  Then he took the two chords, simplified a touch and we took turns adding over the loop until it fell over.  That was terrifying haha - I had no idea what to do or when or how but it was lots of fun and I will be doing a lot of that on my own!!!

So why crikey?  As you know I'm working on three songs and we briefly covered them - that's how we ended up playing those games.  However I ended up more lost, far, far, F A R more lost.

Let me explain.  Let's start with the looped chord one, we had different ideas of the story but both were along the same path which is a proud moment for me, the game gave me ideas but I've no idea how to replicate them (guess I need to get creative then huh!).  I still don't know how to go from two looped chords to a full song and I know he could write the hell out of this song when I don't have the slightest clue where to start.  ARGH!  I suppose I'll just need to pull on threads until something comes together because I do think this could be such a fun song.

Then there was the 'pretty' guitar one, it's a nice-ish start and definitely a step forward for me but it's flat - full stop.  I don't know how to make it un-flat (is that a word?!) but he did give me ideas for the next step in learning  that will help me take it forward.  The problem - we're back in 'double stop' mode!  It's yet another steep learning curve I need to tackle but this will be  another huge leap forward for me when I get my head around it.  As for the song - I'm as lost as I was!

Actually it's just occurred to me what is happening - at least in part.  I'm pushing myself in every song I write far far outside my comfort zone which in a way makes me proud, but.... I get stuck and Tom then answers my questions with the 'ultimate' solution to the problem.  He's telling me how to get my songs to the next stage - to get them where I want them to be in truth, however what I'm looking for is how to plaster over the cracks and do the best I can with the limited tools I have.  He's doing the right thing in teaching me how to build a new better, stronger wall and gain new tools and but my brain explodes because a normal person would just see the new wall as the next goal but I NEED to build that wall now even if it half kills me.  I'm a nightmare but it is what pushes me on.

Then finally the song I had most hope for.  I'm not entirely sure what happened here because this was one I was very confident about and my confidence has imploded but I couldn't tell you why.  I think part of it is his reaction wasn't what I expected which has thrown me but also I had questions some of which didn't get answered enough for me to act on it and some I didn't ask which was rather silly because now I'm left lost till next week.

So I've gone from feeling super confident about this one to totally blown apart!  I've got the elements that I was stressing over which I don't feel any closer to solving and now the bits I was happy with I feel lost with too.  That's why perspective is not a phrase I throw out there it's something I desperately need, it's not ego it's balance because my world is so unbalanced, I have things that were bugging me, now I have the problem in that with the rest I don't know what is wrong and most importantly what is right -  I have nothing to hold on to and work outwards from when I try to fix all the issues.  

So ........

Question:  Who's fault is that?
Answer:  Mine!!  

I didn't ask him, I let my self doubt take over and now I'm in a right pickle.  Silly silly Tash!

So it was a bittersweet lesson, I loved every second passionately and came away with a tonne of new great ideas to work on that I KNOW are going to help hugely.  I'm actually quite excited about those but I also came away feeling a bit lost in the dark too.  The curse of being me!

So there's ALL that.  As if that isn't enough Zak has given me lots of homework, last week because I was writing and to be fair noodling a lot I didn't do enough of what I was supposed to.  I can't let him down again this week.  I love where we're going in the lessons and I know technically he's going to push me on a long way if I get my head down and study.   It's a lot of work to get the two songs he's given me down and for the first time ever he pointed and said figure it out and I'm feeling very.... EEK.  

Then to top it all off next week is D-day for Elton's Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me.  I promised Tom I'd play it for his birthday which in my language mean's I have to (I know - weird gift but then I'm a weird person!).  I can't do the whole thing yet so I'll just play what I have learnt and while I'm so nervous I am incredibly excited to play it for him.  I've put so much effort in and I'm very proud of it and of myself.  I can't wait (and I can haha!).

So pretty much all self inflicted but a painful week lined up, I have to nail a super hard song for my first 'performance', learn parts of two I have no idea how to play, learn a new set of skills and figure out what to do with three songs that I'm pulling my hair out over.

No pressure then........