Crash & Burn

!!ts that time again, the reason it's so hard to build my confidence but ironically also the reason I continue to push on so hard.

I don't feel like I'm literally moving from one challenge to another it's not that simple but I do go through cycles and I've just fallen from a great height on the latest one. It's only been recently that I realised that I do this although it's happened my whole life. Because of this journey I'm on they began to happen more and more frequently which is when I saw a pattern.

This "routine" is both a blessing and a curse and it's impossible to control although now I understand what's going on I can predict when it will happen and try to prepare. It's also why perspective from others is so vital to me.

So what happens is this, I'll be learning as normal then come up against a brick wall or a particularly big challenge and I kick up a few gears. My sights get blinkered and I push forwards often painfully so (as with the last challenge to write structured songs). Eventually it will click and I'll get where I was heading, and.... breakthrough!!  At this point I'm so relieved and proud it's all I can think of and I need to rest and take it easier for a bit (hence the relaxing few days after my success). Finally comes the 'crash and burn', it's the moment my sights move forward, I see what I've done not in terms of the goal I set myself but in terms of the result vs the big picture (my goal to play good music) and WHAM just like that, usually brutally so I hit bottom again and I'm in mental agony. After all I've worked so hard only to still be so far and the thought of picking up speed again is terrifying. Think finishing a marathon, being exhausted but elated then realising it's only the first of 100 you have to do.

BUT... then the other unique thing I do happens, I reset. I'll begin to see the next challenge, it will take over from the last one and I let go to focus on this new one.

REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT.

This is why finding my confidence is so very difficult, I have nothing to latch on to. Every success is also a failure. It's why I so desperately look to my teachers for perspective like a child looking for approval. I am very much like a child in that way but it's also why I forge ahead like a crazy person and how I can work so hard despite the difficulties. I SHOULD see all these victories as steps forward but I simply can't seem to do that, I am unable to give myself perspective.

The one difference right now is that currently I'm having so much fun and am enjoying learning so much that the fall is a little easier to bear even if it's every bit as painful. Let's hope I'm ready to move on soon.