More Curve Balls

Monster post today, bare with me this ones very important in my journey and you had an iddy biddy one yesterday!

I probably should say be careful what you wish for but actually I'm glad.  It was lesson day and as normal I scuppered poor Tom's plans - I don't mean to it's just that we're both a nightmare, I have some area I need to cover or at least talk over and then he runs with it and before we know it the lesson has morphed totally.

This time it was all about guitar, both my teachers have a very different style that I want to play, we've been over that already but it goes beyond that.  Guitar is the hardest area for me, it's the one I work hardest on, and yet I feel it's my weakest link.  It's where my heart lies (understatement) so I'm massively overly sensitive and that's a big problem because I tend to freeze up and that doesn't help me learn.  Combine that with the fact that these guys are an inspiration and that I care deeply what they think of me and my playing and it's a perfect storm.  Ridiculous no?  But think about it - if I can break myself open here then applying it elsewhere is a piece of cake.

It's been a long journey for me the last 6 months, my confidence has grown massively but there is still a long long way to go,  As our lessons have expanded the one area we'd actually pulled back from was guitar but I've decided I think it's vital to really get back into it for a few reasons.  Firstly his style of playing transcends across instruments so what I learn on guitar will help me understand his style on drums, bass and piano.  I'm boring in my playing, my ideas are getting there but my playing is soooooooooooooo straight especially my rhythm (except my drumming which is very eclectic but that's not intentional just bad playing haha!!).  I've worked my arse off on timing which is progressing and in the same way I think this will open me up to rhythm.  If you've been checking out any of my fav music you'll know I'm all about melody but rhythm is a close second.  Remember the music I hate post?

The next thing is confidence (yep we're back to that chestnut), today was the first time in a long while we've touched on this sort of sticky ground (such a different experience, I loved every single second of it) and bless him he was so incredibly patient with me and really open to ideas on how to break down my walls.  Asking me to do the simplest thing can be impossible if I don't understand why, even I scream JUST DO IT at myself, but I can't.  That said I pushed myself far harder than I have before and I made a small step forward which is actually a very VERY big thing.  It was the first time I really enjoyed playing 'for' Tom even though I felt painfully vulnerable (I always love playing with him but playing for him is a VERY different thing to me).  If we can break through this it's going to make a huge difference to my confidence and to my writing and playing and crucially to the dynamics of our lessons, it's going to open me right up.  I hope I don't put the poor fella through too much pain in the process because there's no quick solution here!

The third is obvious, I want to take inspiration from his style so it helps if I learn it. Duh! ;)

Forth is the fact that I love guitar and I want to play the hell out of it, to do that I have to find myself.  I need to be able to connect with other instruments and other musicians when I play and right now I'm lost in my little bubble because I can't break free.  I think Tom will eventually break me out of that bubble (he's awfully good with that crowbar remember!) but he's going to need to be very patient and he's going to need to support me a LOT, but I think - I'm certain - that with his help I can push harder than I ever have and break down some big walls (that's a scary thought huh, imagine if I can really free myself up - yikes and wow, bring it on!).  I'm already making great progress with Zak of course but I think with Tom I'm going to be able to apply this over everything and it will be a far far bigger step.

So sounds terrifying right!?  Well it is, it really really is, but I've never been more excited - and yes seriously terrified!  This is as far outside of my comfort zone as I've ever been but I've got butterflies because I truly believe this is going to be a game changer.  I've used the word 'confidence' several times in this post so you can see how important it is and why I've refused to let this slide.  All I can say to the poor fella is "Hang in there Tom - we're going over rough seas but I KNOW there is something pretty damn good ahead (I just don't guarantee it will be my music!)".  Haha!!