Hobsons Choice & Fear

The thing I find hardest about being who I am is my inability to communicate.  I'm literate, reasonably so, I can express myself and I can explain things in detail (too much often) but I still can't get the thoughts in my head to make sense to other people.

They nod and agree and express words of acknowledgement and then reaffirm what I'm thinking back to me but it's NOT what I'm thinking.  I use the same words as them and yet the meaning and context is different, what they're saying is not even close to what I was saying.  To make matters worse things have so many meanings to me depending on the context of my feelings or thoughts at a given time.  This makes me very specific in my meaning when most people are very general in theirs.  It's actually left me afraid to try because more often that not they'll misunderstand and I have no way of correcting or explaining.

How does this affect my musical journey?  Unfortunately quite badly.  I can't explain what I need, I can't explain why I struggle, I can't explain what people can do to help me and sadly in most cases people don't want to help me.  WAIT... no I'm not being a victim.  They are NOT ogres who are selfish and mean, on the contrary they're good people who care a great deal but they've got life to worry about and my complex layers of problems are just too much extra baggage.

People in general like me a lot but I'm also a burden and aren't we all taught if it's not making your life better cut it out?  Well they usually do and I don't blame them, sincerely I do not, I am overwhelming but that doesn't mean I don't feel hurt, I don't feel lonely, I don't feel rejected and I don't feel like... I'm wrong.  I'm broken.  I'm complicated.  I'm difficult.  I'm the odd one out.  I'm not worth it.  I'm nice but I'm not good enough to deserve your understanding and compromise.

It's hard for me to accept the only thing I am is Autistic.  I'm kind, I'm loyal, I'm funny, I'm determined, I'm passionate, I'm sensitive, I'm curious,  I'm smart, I'm thoughtful.  I am worth it it's just few people understand me well enough to know that or if they do I just demand too much effort to justify it in their lives.  How can I not understand that even if I don't deserve it.  I came across this video and the weight it lifted from me was so big, it really resonated and I realised I can't help my fear.  It's part of who I am, of what I am.  I have to stop feeling like I'm being irrational.

Some things I learned from this because I'm always learning!

a)  My fear is ok, it's not good, it's not wanted but it's not irrational.  As she says I need to fix it top down and I can't do it alone.
b)  I must find a way to adjust the structure of my lessons if I want to be more productive.  Being pushed is great, it's working and I'm doing so well I do not want to change that but there's no balance so the fear is never evened out and I need more structure to support my mental state.
c)  I understand now a lot more why the fear is there and I can begin the work on it and with it.  It serves me very well but I need to find a way to keep some fear pushing me without it shutting me down at other times.
d)  My fears have nothing to do with ego, in fact my ego is so damaged by my fears that it's something I need to work on.  If I didn't always feel like a failure and expect to be one maybe I could look for, achieve and embrace success as well as the progress I already hold on to and enjoy so dearly.  Part of my action plan needs to include me succeeding not just embracing the failure for the progress it represents.  There's a big difference.

My overthinking is also natural and is connected to this problem but that part I already suspected to be true.  That's a trait I will not dampen as it's one of my greatest assets which I use constantly to problem solve and create but I need to learn how to gain more control, to wield it and stop it controlling me emotionally.

Finally, my mind has worked like hers many a time (you'll have to watcht the video to understand this part!).  I've seen my own "penguins" and I understand what she says, it can be a curse, it does cause us problems and it's very hard to understand it but the otherthinking part of our brain can be such a blessing too!  Being Autistic can be such a blessing we just need people to care and help us fit in with the rest of the world and sadly I have no one to help me.  I've become very self sufficient for that reason and I'm actually very brave for someone with ASD and I do a lot of very rash and unusual things but that doesn't mean any of them are ever easy or that they come without consequence.

I'll probably blog a lot more this year as I work through this problem as I think maybe some day this might help others if I can succeed.  It will help me to have somewhere mostly private to share my thoughts as I fight what's going to be a long, difficult and very deflating battle.   It's never easy facing our fears.  I'm very brave and I push through my fear all the time but being afraid of someone not because of who they are but because of who I am is really hard.  It reinforces the "I'm the problem" mentality and thus fear.  I consider my teacher to be one of the most special, caring, generous and nice people and kindest friends I've ever had so if anyone will help me do this it's him, and of course hubby.

Ultimately my fear is my teacher will reject me or be angry at me and that I couldn't bare because I care so much about him.  I'm in a Hobsons Choice situation but I have to do find a way because I know he want's to help and I know I need to get through this.  The question is how do I help him do that without making the whole thing yet another overblown complicated drama and losing someone who's been one of the most amazine people in my life.